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4 Mystical Healing Techniques I Tried (Failed Terribly)

I’ve been feeling a little under the weather condition recently due to that winter season is the season of squalor and utter bullshit. Naturally, I wound up falling ill after some leper infected me with their dirt particles and rendered me hazardous with bronchitis and extreme mucous production. Hey, complete stranger who cannot clean their goddamn hands (which even raccoons can do), thank you. Thank you for getting your swill on and in me.

Anyway, I figured why not turn that frown upside down and maximize my thick, phlegmy situation by utilizing it to try some option recovery techniques. Sure, modern-day medication has things like medication, however why not attempt all that incredibly popular bullshit individuals invest billions of dollars on every year regardless of there being actually no proof that any of it works? Perhaps it’ll work for me!

# 4. Reiki

I’ll confess, this concept initially concerned me over a year ago when I took place to make the associate of a lady who made her living as both a psychic and a reiki master. I ‘d never ever fulfilled either of those face to face in the past, and I was right away interested, due to the fact that, to the very best of my understanding, both are ostentatious bullshittery.

The woman in concern is really strangely enough captivating in her method, though I expect that assists for a psychic– nobody wishes to pay to discover they’re going to pass away from brain parasites and have actually the news provided by a Trump-level twat waffle. You desire a friendly psychic. She wasn’t “Troy McClure” lovely, however– more like Kenny Powers, because she was sort of obnoxious and loud and you discover it captivating for a brief while till you understand she’s actually simply an unbearable shit with a minimum of pleasant qualities.

At least Kenny Powers understood the best ways to come down.

Anyway, I figured given that I ‘d come down with a condition that standard medication simply shrugs at due to the fact that you should simply man up and treat your very own bronchial conditions with VapoRub and soup, why not attempt this reiki shit?

The very first thing you have to understand is to not call it “reiki shit.” Specialists of reiki shit do not believe it’s shit at all. They ‘d most likely choose that you call it simply reiki. It’s shit, trust me.

I discussed my condition, and Reiki Master Shitstar informed me that exactly what she does isn’t really recovery in the standard sense. Rather, she might utilize her hands to control life energy in such a way that would promote recovery and assist me improve quicker. I desired so severely to ask if that indicated a delighted ending, however this was a girl in her 60s with one brown tooth, and part of me was really scared she ‘d state yes.

Pick your fights, kids.

I was set on exactly what I believe is a massage table with some pillows in a space loaded with crystals and musical instruments and various other knickknacks. Some incense was lit, some meditation music was placed on, and away we went. Essentially, I got the outright worst massage in the history of time. Instead of kneading or rubbing, it includes an old woman simply putting her hands in one area and holding them there for a strong 5 minutes or two prior to going elsewhere. She spoke about chi circulation for a while, too, that made me believe I might begin doing kung fu, however my efforts to punch through walls given that leaving her have actually been outrageous failures.

After a 30-minute session of lying still in a space that smelled like jasmine and feline pee, I felt no closer to health, however she guaranteed me she ‘d reorganized my midi-chlorians enough that I ‘d be feeling much better in no time.

“All part of the recovery procedure.”

I expect the charm of reiki for a condition like this is that I’m getting much better ultimately anyhow, so was it the reiki that did it or simply my own body immune system? And if I utilized it to deal with something like cancer, I ‘d most likely pass away prior to I might demand malpractice. She actually cannot lose.

# 3. Cupping

I had just an unclear concept of exactly what cupping is prior to I called somebody who I discovered on Google about getting this specific type of treatment. It evokes spooning, which is great, and I like cups of drink, so that was great too. Whatever included with it, in my mind, sounded simply swell.

Actual cupping is a little less enjoyable than consuming from a cup. It’s a lot less enjoyable. It’s borderline fucktarded. Your cup expert will carry out an incredibly comprehensive examination of your tongue, I think to make sure you have one, which’s basically the initial preparation. I removed my t-shirt and let the ancient Asian guy who was to carry out the treatment swoon a little over my pasty white formlessness. He was amazed.

I was put down on another massage table, and the old-timer took a couple of minutes to massage the center of my back. He stated these pressure points represented my lungs and breathing and would begin feeling much better in no time. The next action included him lighting an alcohol-soaked swab aflame and swooshing out the within a small glass cup, then putting it on my back. The fire had actually consumed all the oxygen, and within seconds the vacuum of the cup had actually drawn a marshmallow made from my flesh into itself. It resembled getting a hickey from a leech the size of a human arm.

Once once again, I was definitely frightened thinking of how this would deal with a delighted ending.

I chose I might man up and sustain this, due to the fact that I believe Gwyneth Paltrow does this shit on function. If Gwyneth can do it, so can I. Five cups later on and I was looking for a method to explain the fascinating noise it makes when your back fat is drawn into a hot glass. It’s type of a reverse vomit noise, with a slurm quality to it. Picture a toothless bear attempting to draw a fist-sized sugar cube.

Cupping isn’t really a pain-free procedure. It’s not like the old guy stabbed me, however it did seem like a handful of felines aiming to burrow into my skin for about 15 minutes. The resulting swellings are a suggestion for the next a number of days about how dumb you’ve been. Enjoy them at any time you kick back versus a tough surface area.

Hmm, I unexpectedly have a strange yearning for pepperoni pizza …

After the cups were gotten rid of, I got an old guy oil massage and a pouch of herbs that would assist me with breathing and balance my chi. Once again. My kung fu was no more powerful after the cupping than it wanted the reiki.

# 2. Acupuncture

If hot cups could not treat exactly what ailed me, certainly the insertion of many little needles could? I hear stabbing is remarkably efficient at recovery. I scheduled an acupuncture session to see if I might surpass my horrendous cold as well as to see if acupuncturists have actually heard lots of porcupine jokes.

My acupuncturist was not 1,000 years of ages, I was pleased to see. She was rather a white girl in her 30s who did not point out chi the whole time I existed. I wager she was believing it.

I was asked a variety of concerns about my basic health, and I got another tongue assessment. I’m uncertain exactly what my tongue is informing other individuals, however I believe it looks quite regular. Possibly you can inform, I dunno.


The perfect natural medicine prospect, obviously.

I was informed I had an accumulation of wetness in my body. Do I consume a great deal of dairy and sugar? I have to not. White bread. Meat. Eliminate all that. It’s too wet. I ‘d never ever been identified with inner-dampness in the past, and I didn’t believe sugar was the perpetrator, given that I do not truly like sweet foods that much, however obviously processed sugars remain in whatever whether they’re sweet or not. I ought to consume salmon, bok choy, and grew grains. Sounds tasty as shit. As shit.

Next up came my needles, which were, near as I can inform, jammed into every location I had space from my head to my feet. I had one in between my eyes. It bobbed continuously in my vision and was slightly sidetracking the whole time.

If you’ve never ever had acupuncture, you might be amazed to understand it does not harmed at all, in spite of the needles resembling 6 inches long. One in my hand twinged a nerve, however I might have juked when it was entering, triggering it to contravene of something. It wasn’t uncomfortable, simply bothersome. By the time we were done, I believe I had more than 100 needles in me, however I could not truly inform since I was horrified of moving and stabbing actually whatever that’s within me.

Stare at this for 30 minutes and you generally have my face throughout the whole experience.

I lay on the exact same massage table all these individuals have for about a half hour, simply covered in metal, not doing anything however thinking of how I got to this point in my life. Is this the peak or the decrease of my profession? Exist much better things on the horizon? I ‘d like to see or release a book among my movie scripts come to life on-screen; is that a possibility still? Exactly what’s the evolutionary benefit of a pee boner?

The acupuncturist returns and begins getting rid of the needles. I dislike to state this, due to the fact that I’ve set this post up as a normal ironical, downhearted tirade, however I felt much better when this was done. I still had a cold and whatever– I’m not declaring wonder treatments– however I did feel quite damn great. Like I was well-rested, in spite of having actually been on that table for just a half hour. Perhaps think about acupuncture; it’s kind of good if you’re looking for a little pick-me-up and somebody to play with your tongue.

# 1. Colon Hydrotherapy

This was the technique I was most hesitant of, however I likewise understood this is plainly the most annoyingly funny thing I might do to assist minimize my cold. Inning accordance with the site of the location I went to, colon hydrotherapy can be utilized for weight reduction, enhanced metabolic process, piles, parasites, eczema, gout, cancer, spina bifida, and influenza. Sufficient for me! All that, right up my ass.

The rate of a colonic deserves shitting over, however a male’s got ta do exactly what a male’s got ta do, so I scheduled a great mid-week see as a reason to obtain out of work. Technically, this was a physician’s visit. I believe. In fairness, I never ever asked if anybody who operated at this location was really accredited in any method when I called; I simply presumed. The location is called a “wellness center,” so certainly just medical professionals work there.

Although, I was still doubtful of another man wishing to see my tongue.If I bought 6 colonics I ‘d get one for totally free, #peeee

I was informed. Somebody was putting the cart prior to their water-filled shitshack. If it’s some kind of strange dependency I can work out my Subway club card offer later on, I picked one to begin and figured.

As a wonderful benefit, my colonic included something called an implant, which sounds far more challenging than how I comprehended it– a taste shot. They had chlorophyll, coffee, aloe vera, and a handful of others. As enjoyable as coffee sounded, chlorophyll guaranteed to unwind and sooth. After I found out that 30 gallons of water will be shotgunned through my backdoor, I truly liked the concept of calming and relaxation, so I selected that a person.

While wanting I had this.

My colon hydrotherapist discussed the treatment to me– I didn’t even have to get completely naked! Simply had to get my hole visible in a set of non reusable paper shorts, and water would be carefully presented and eliminated.

For the very first time, the table was not a massage table however a full-on bed. I got to rest on my side and looking at the wall like I let complete strangers put tubes in my ass all the time and like this wasn’t odd for either people. It was, and do you understand why? Due to the fact that it actually wasn’t odd for Thomas, my hydrotherapist, who does this for a living.

“Heh, down the hatch! … Oh, sorry, sir; I indicated the other hatch.”

Thomas began filling the tank then rubbing my abdominal area to promote pressure points, makinged me distinctly dissatisfied. Ever have a grown male rub your stubborn belly while a device requires water up your ass? This isn’t really Guantanamo.

I felt something like a manccordion being pumped and squeezed from both the outdoors and within. Having water shuttling in and out of your butt constantly for an extended period of time seems like your ass in some way went on the fritz and it frantically requires a technician. You understand that sensation when you have to poop, then when you are pooping, then when you want you could stop pooping? It’s actually all 3 at the very same time.


Essentially this.

There was a clear tube connected to the maker that would draw away all the contaminants inside me, contaminants being a code word for “watery turds.” I’m grateful it was a clear tube, since I ‘d dislike to think about losing out on exactly what was occurring.

For a strong 40 minutes, I lay on my side with a tube in my ass as water was pumped in and drew out and a complete stranger rubbed my belly like I was some type of base shit Buddha approving the foulest dreams. I’ve done some odd shit in my life, things I’ll never ever inform you individuals about, however I have truthfully never ever felt the psychological variety of weirdness I felt while this was taking place. It wasn’t pity; it wasn’t humiliation, or worry, or disappointment, or pain. It was utter incomprehension. I seemed like I ‘d simply wake up on an alien world and didn’t acknowledge anything or anybody. I resembled the filter in an aquarium, and a guy kept rubbing my stomach.


It’s the dueling sensation of “Oh God, I require a hug” vs. “Oh God, do not fucking touch me.”

After 40 minutes, we were done. Or I was done. Thomas stated I ‘d require a number of sessions to end up being completely cleaned. Since I think my ass is a website to some type of enormous oubliette of feces with numerous nooks and crannies you might just wish to power wash the entire thing by clearing an Olympic-sized swimming pool into it. If I required more and went house with the very same cold I ‘d had all week, #peeee

I ensured Thomas I ‘d call once again. I didn’t poop for 2 days, when I lastly did, it shot out of me like a greased egg rolling down a tiled corridor, however I still had a cold.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/what-4-mystical-healing-techniques-actually-feel-like/

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